Parody-Toast

Aleister Crowley - Absolutely unique & priceless relic!

ALEISTER CROWLEY - Birthday Wishes for October 12. Item number: 250303125288

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End time:

12-Oct-08 22:41:46 BST (7 days 8 hours)

Postage costs:

Free

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Service to United Kingdom

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Worldwide

Item location:

Hell - Yorkshire branch, United Kingdom

History: 0 bids

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Item Specifics

Condition: Used

Aleister

Crowley

(October 12, 1875 - December 1, 1947)

Unique Contemporary

Memorabilia

(Free shipping to any address - worldwide)

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To coincide with the anniversary (October 12) of the birth of Aleister Crowley...

Offered for sale is an absolutely unique and priceless piece of Crowley memorabilia.

I am confident in stating that "Nothing like this has even been listed (anywhere) before and am fairly certain that nothing of this nature will ever appear again".

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This listing comprises:

A slice of toast onto which the divine image

of Aleister Crowley miraculously* appeared,

this morning.

*E-Bay does not have a specific "Miracle" category, so this item is listed under "Totally Bizarre ".

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The first manifestation of Crowley on Toast (93BC) heralded the onset of Christianity. Does this appearance signify the start of Crowley's Aeon of Horus?

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Throughout the last few years various media source have cheerfully reported a growing trend in food-related manifestations of the divine. Many people will be familiar with photographs and video showing the faces of Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Mohammed and even Mother Teresa which have miraculously appeared on a curious assortment of fruit, vegetables and even the occasional bagel.

All of these miracles have reportedly bestowed great benefits on their recipients. For example, regardless of any - alleged - healing or mystical powers, facsimiles of the original Mother Teresa Bagel sell by the tens-of-thousands to pilgrims worldwide!

These modern wonders cannot possibly compete with splendour of a burning bush or a Shroud of Turin. Nevertheless, in times when miracles are pretty thin on the ground, the devout are happy to squeeze the last drop out of what little does manage to manifest through today's suffocating blanket of scepticism and cynicism. The inexplicable appearance of Aleister Crowley's image on this slice of toast places him in a very select band of deities who still pack enough of a punch to keep the faithful happy by putting in an occasional appearance.

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Temple of the Holy Toast

At precisely 9:31AM this morning my toaster started to vibrate across the table, making strange gurgling, squelching and grunting noises; as though it was about to give birth. Thirty-one seconds later, the kitchen was filled with the most wondrous odour and flashing lights and then... a slice of toast launched itself gracefully out of the toaster and traced out a hexagram in the air before hovering, cherub-like, just above the ketchup bottle. As I stared in awe and wonder, I noticed that the divine essence had mysteriously manifested all over my breakfast in the form of Aleister Crowley's instantly recognisable features and magickal number. This was surrounded by an ethereal glow and, in the distance... I heard a slightly nasal English accent say, "Bugger, I really fancied fish for breakfast this morning".

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The winning bidder of this unique item will come into possession of an immensely potent tool with which to take his, or her, adoration of Aleister Crowley to an entirely new level. Whilst many other facially-related manifestations have ultimately left the faithful with a sour (spiritual) taste in their mouths, this slice of toast is a genuine magickal portal facilitating communication with the prophet of a New Aeon and Priest of the Priests. It is a multi-dimensional sacrament entirely suitable to serve as the foundation stone of your own Temple of the Holy Toast.

Crowley On Toast

93 possible uses include:

1- A charter enabling you to start a new magickal order.

2 - A surface on which to scribe your New Covenant

(or a copy of Liber AL).

3 - Supreme Sacrament (or replacement for your stele).

4 - A bespoke talisman (needs consecration with authentic Holy

Butter).

5 - Individual crumbs as mini cakes of lights (equal to one portion

of elixir).

6 - General worship and devotion (looks amazing in a frame).

7 - Incense burner or beer coaster.

8 - Impressing the hell out of your occult mates.

9 - Priceless objet d' art.

10 - Tasty snack.

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The divine manifestation of Aleister Crowley's sacred image on this toast affords its owner a unique, intimate and personal connection with The Great Beast. Moreover, this slice represents a genuine and direct magickal link with Crowley, and especially in his post mortem role of Ascended (or Hidden) Master. As such, mere possession of it probably confers the rights, privileges and titles of the 7°, 8° and 9° of Crowley's magickal order, and could also constitute the basis of a valid worldwide leadership claim of that organisation.

Please contact me if you require further information. HAPPY BIDDING!

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Notes:

1 - No miracle, or other supernatural phenomenon, is guaranteed or implied.

2 - The sacred image manifested on Warburtons white sliced bread.

3 - The toast's glow, hovering, and evocation of general worshipful postures of devotees, as illustrated, are re-creations and may have no basis in reality.

4 - As an indication of potency, sample crumbs are available for personal inspection on request.

5 - Compatible with Maat, Horus and Windows Vista operating systems.

6 - Suitable for Level Five Vegans. May contain traces of nut.

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Question & Answer

Answered On

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Q - Dear Sir. As legal agent of the O.T.O. (Ordo Toastis Orientalis) it is my duty to

07-Oct-08

inform you that my organization has all rights, confirmed in five Federal U.S. Court

judgements (1857, 1932, 1964, 2007, 2012), to all publications, past present or future,

by one Aleister Crowley. Your item clearly constitutes a publication. Your rights of sale

are thus null and void. If you persist, be assured that I (we) (for we are legion) will, in

pursuance of our incontestible rights, bring all due process to bear upon you. The Ordo

Toastis Orientalis is not, as some might suggest, defensive in this matter. We can, with

goodwill, forgive innocent trespass. Consign the miraculous manifestation to us & we

would be happy to oblige you with an immediate credit transfer of $2.00 US dollars via

our trusted agent, Lehman Brothers Investment Bank, New York. Accept this as a

courteous offer of resolution to a difficulty that you clearly had no intention of walking into.

p.s. We know where you live.

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A - Please be advised that the legal owner and guardian of sacred image, now housed in the

newly-erected "Divine Temple of the Holy Toast (open 24 hours a day, Monday to Sunday.

Coach parties welcome. Miracles by appointment. Souvenirs available)" is my toaster, called

Hiwatz. All further correspondence should be forward to the toaster's representatives, the

Outraged Toasters' Office, and not to the toaster's union branch, the Other Toasted Options.

Nor should any communication be sent to my own agents, the Ongoing Thelumpic Obstacles.

E-Bay's own advisory body, Outwardly Tasting Okay have, via their dispute council, the Old

Tired Obsessives committee, expressed a strong desire not get involved in this situation and

suggest that all further e-mails be directed towards their Online Tribunals Office (the O.T.O.),

care of the Overly Tired Objectionist group. Further information can be obtained, online, from

the self-help group, Outrageous Testimonial Organisation. A 93/31 helpline is also available

from the Obsolete Tedious Over-actors.

I sincerely hope this clarifies the situation.

P.S. Your singular talent for transmuting Manna from Heaven into a feeding frenzy for lawyers

is truly a wonder to behold.

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Editorial Note: This was an actual item which appeared

on ebay.com.uk in October of 2008, posted by

the seller - blackflagnewmedia.

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